Hot Potato
by Joker and the Thief
Summary: Yachiru is passed along babysitter to babysitter throughout Soul Society. Made a 2nd chapter! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Not sure where I got this idea…__****Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach**

**Title: ****Hot Potato**

**Rating/Genre: ****T-Humor**

**Characters: ****A lot of them!

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******

**Hot Potato**

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Byakuya's eye twitched.

Renji flinched.

"_Renji."_

"I…I know this looks bad, taichou, but…eh…you see…Zaraki-taichou needed me to…a-and I just couldn't object, so…"

"You don't taste like Baldy!!" the pink-haired creature shouted as she continued to nibble on the stoic man's head.

Byakuya's eye twitched again, and his hand rose. Renji covered his face with his arms and cried, "Don't kill me!!"

The said hand pointed a finger out the open door to his office. "Get. Rid. Of. Her. NOW."

Renji took slow and cautious steps towards his taichou, and began prying the small monster off his hair. After a few tough and painful tugs, Renji finally got her off.

As the 6th division fukotaichou headed out the door, he stopped and looked back. "Eh, taichou…would you like me to help you clean the saliva out of your ha—"

"GET OUT!!"

-:-

"Spinny! Spinny! Spinny! Go, taichou, go!"

"Y-Yachiru fukotaichou, it is not good for you to take advantage of Tousen-taichou's…eh…vision-disability! Please refrain from this!"

'_I knew I shouldn't have taken her from Renji!'_

"Aww! But No-Eyes-Taichou still has to pin the tail on the donkey! Right, No-Eyes?"

"H…Help me…."

"See? We're having so much fun! You should join in, Tattoo Face!"

Hisagi sighed and rubbed his temples. _'Damn you, Renji.'_

Desperate times called for desperate measures. Quickly, he dug through his pockets and took out a single piece of candy. He waved it around in the air and in no time, the aroma had attracted the small girl's attention.

"You want the candy? Huh? Do you?" he taunted her like she was a dog, then through it out the open window. "Go get it, Yachiru-fukotaichou!"

Yachiru was gone in a second, and Hisagi rubbed that small amount of perspiration off his brow and sighed.

_THUD!_

Tousen slammed face-first into the wall, completely missing the poster of the donkey…on the other side of the room.

-:-

"Motsumoto."

"Yeees, taichou?"

"What is that?"

"What?"

"That."

"That? Those are papers, taichou! You filled them out this morning! Silly taichou--!"

"Not that, _that._"

"The crayons? Those are used for coloring all sorts of—."

"No! Not _that! THAT."_

"Silly, silly taichou! That is your desk! You work there when you—."

"Motsumoto! _What _is on my desk _with_ my papers _and _the crayons!?"

"Ooooh! Uh…that's the 11th division fukotaichou."

"Okay, and what is she doing here?"

"Umm…I found her outside and brought her in here!"

"_Why??"_

"Because…she looked bored and I told her that I'd find her something to do. If I do this, then I'll get a higher rank in the Shinigami Women's Association!"

"So…you let her DESTROY my paperwork for some stupid rank!?"

"Yep!"

"Arghhh……get rid of her, Matsumoto."

"Taichou! You're so mean! Meany, meany taichou! I'm never going to hug you again!"

"Good."

_CRASH!_

"Oh-no! I spilled Big-Boobies' cup of nasty-water everywhere!"

"Heh heh. T-Taichou…"

"MOTSUMOTO!!"

-:-

Nanao was about to have a panic attack.

"Don't swing on the chandelier, Yachiru-fukotaichou!"

"No! Not the vases!" _CRASH!_

"Give me back my glasses and cease your movements right now!"

"Argh! No, my schedule book is _not _for eating!"

'_DAMN YOU MATSUMOTO!!'_

Finally, poor Nanao had the speedy beast held down, and as she struggled to regain air into her tired lungs, she looked over to her drunkard of a captain passed out over the 8th division lobby table.

'_How…how can he sleep through such commotion!? Oh well, at least the bastard wasn't spared from her wrath.' _She thought as she stared at her captain's face, which was graffitied with black ink. A big fat LOSER was printed on his forehead, not to mention a face full of scribbles and drawings.

'_I feel the need to give her more colors and let her have fun with him…'_

She sighed and shook her head.

'_No one's that cruel.'_

-:-

"You disgusting little ball of flesh, I said don't touch anything!"

"What's this, Clown Face?"

"That? Well, it's concentrated— wait a minute, no! Put that down!"

"What's _this_?"

"THAT is something your feeble little brain would never be able to concoct in a million years! So if I were you, I'd put _that_ down before you—!"

_CRASH!_

"Uh-oh…"

"You repugnant little creature, do you have _any_ idea what you've done!? You've doomed us all!"

"Eww, it's growing!"

"NEMU!"

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

"This is all your fault! Now take this annoying _thing_ and dump it somewhere deserted! Somewhere on the far ends of the earth!"

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

"Quickly! Go! And send for the clean-up crew! My god, it's growing green tentacles! EEEH, it just hissed at me!"

-:-

"Like this, Fox-Face?" She pulled back and aimed.

"Yep! An…Fire!"

_FLICK!_

_POW!_

"Ouch!" Kira squealed.

"Banzai!" came the happy shriek of both his taichou and the pink-haired child sent shivers through his soul.

"Pl…Please, taichou, don't encourage her! I'm b-b-begging you!"

"Oh, cheer up, Kira-kuuun! Wer' jus' haven' a little fun!"

_FLICK!_

_POW!_

"Yay! Another hit!"

"Ouch!" Kira squealed again, and rubbed his eye where the paperwork sheet that was folded up into a triangular device had flung into his eye…for the second time.

"Hold still, Izurun! I wanna to shoot again!"

"Yeah, Kira-kuun! Oi, Yachiru, try an' aim fer his mouth!"

"Okay!"

"No! Taichou, please!"

_FLICK!_

_POW!_

"Ouch! My tongue!"

"Banzai!"

'_I have to get her out of here! How am I going to distract Ichimaru-taichou?'_

"Look, Ichimaru-taichou!" Kira pointed out the back window, "Matsumoto-san's kimono is open!"

"Huh?" Gin whipped his head around, and while he was distracted, Kira snatched Yachiru up and hauled ass out the 3rd division office.

"I don' see—huh?" Gin turned his head around, only to see nothing but his office door in shreds.

-:-

"I don't know whether to be scared or disgusted."

"I think both would be acceptable, Ukitake-taichou."

"Ah, thank you, Rukia-san."

The three subordinates and one captain stared at the horrific sight in silence. Apparently, Yachiru had found Ukitake's stash of candy, and now it looked like a lion devouring the insides of it's freshly caught prey.

Sentarou took a step forward. "Should we…?"

"I don't think it to be wise to get any closer, Sentarou. It might attack you."

"Obviously the buffoon has never dealt with kids! Move!" Kiyone hissed at Sentarou. Slowly, she crept towards the wild figure and knelt down, extending a hand. "Yachiru-chan! It's me, Kiyone! Listen, we—."

In a flash, the small wild figure turned around and chomped the air next to Kiyone's hand. Kiyone screamed bloody-murder and fell back on her bottom, scrambling backwards and grabbing onto her taichou's leg.

"She…she…she tried to bite me!"

"Looks like you've never dealt with kids either, booger girl!" Sentarou retorted.

"Sh-Shut-up, Gorilla Face!"

"Bite me, Troll!"

"Why would I bite something that looks like puke!"

"Enough, both of you! This is not the time!" Ukitake softly scolded. He scratched his head in confusion.

'_What to do…what to do…Ah! Got it!'_

"Rukia-san, go and get me a burlap sack."

Rukia didn't ask questions and sped off to get one. She came back minutes later and handed it to him.

Slowly, Ukitake crept up to Yachiru, bag in hand.

'_On the count of three; One…Two…Three!'_

The 13th division taichou pounced and trapped the girl in the bag. "Got her!" She put up a good fight, and managed to punch the poor taichou in the stomach.

He gave the bag to Rukia. "Please…do something with her!" he wheezed painfully

"Y-Yes, taichou!" Rukia took the bag and ran off.

'_Sorry, Nii-sama!'_

-:-

Byakuya's eye twitched

"_Renji."_

Renji walked into the office. "Did you want something, taichoOOH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE DOING BACK!?"

"Just what I was going to ask you."

Renji took a few steps back. "I swear, taichou! I..I don't how she came back! I dumped her on Hisagi! I swear! Please don't kill me!"

Byakuya opened his mouth to say something, but just as he was about to, the whole front wall of his office blasted into millions of pieces, and when the debris-filled air was clear, a large figure stepped into the room.

"Zaraki-taichou!" Renji gasped.

Byakuya glared deeper than he had ever had.

"Oi, brat," Kenpachi called for Yachiru, "let's go."

"Coming, Ken-chan!"

Yachiru unlatched herself off of Byakuya's head and jumped on Kenpachi's back.

Just before the two left the room, Kenpachi called over his shoulder. "Oi, Rich Boy. Thanks fer watching over Yachiru an' stuff."

Then, he grinned. "See ya next week."

The room was left in silence

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_**END**_

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**A/N: I don't care about the ending; I just wanted to end it! This took forever! But I hoped you all enjoyed it. I also hope to get some good reviews!**

**Lots of luv to all!**

**-**_**Joker and the Thief**_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: For those of you who were let down that I left out certain characters do not fret. The second installment of Hot Potato is for you and I'm not just adding in characters but continuing the torture from chapter one.**

**Title: Hot Potato**

**Rating: T**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: A lot them (unfortunately I could not add Aizen, Gin, or Tousen I'm sorry but this was really long!)**

**Warning: some dirty language, sexual references, and Yachiru's mayhem.**

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**Chapter Two**

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'_Bad. Bad. Bad. This is so very bad!' _Renji was at a state of panic. Running through the halls of the 6th Division he prayed like a madman that the gods would be merciful this day and spare his life.

"_Renji…_"

Merciful was the last thing the gods would be toward the poor redheaded vice captain.

With a glass shattering squeal Renji whipped himself around and met the eyes of a very furious and very candy coated Kuchiki Byakuya.

"Taichou," Renji winced at the twitch in his captains face, "I…I had her in a child harness this time, I swear! It was even _Kevlar! _Her teeth must be, I don't know, like indestructible!"

A pink haired head shot up from behind Byakuya's shoulder. "I made a candy Bya-kun!" and proceeded to nibble on the colorful display of sweets stuck to the shoulder of Byakuya's captains coat.

In an act of consolation Renji attempted to pry the large lollipop currently stuck to one side of Byakuya's face. "Eh…Taichou, you got a little somethin…"

"Don't. Touch. Me."

"Yes sir, sorry sir. I'll handle this right away." Picking up the small fukotaichou Renji hung his head shamefully as he started for the exit.

He paused. "Taichou?" he called back

"_What?"_

"I'm in deep shit, aren't I?"

There was a pause.

"…Very deep."

-:-

"Let's play Doctor, Amazon-chan!"

'_Amazon? Am I really that tall?' _Isane sighed, "…ah, sure. Let's play Doctor!"

Before Isane could as much as blink Yachiru was gone, followed by the shouts of patients in the next room.

"Kusajishi-fukotaichou? What? It's just a broken arm, why do you ask? Wait…no! Stop! AAAH!"

"No! Get away! Someone help!"

"Hold still, Puny-chan! I need to give you a check-up!"

Hanatarou's voice was soon heard. "Eh, me? But I'm not a patient; I'm an officer…UUAAGH!"

Isane yelped, sprinting to the next room and throwing the door open she gasped. Beyond all the moaning and crying wounded officers she could see a pink and black ball jumping up and down on a coma patient.

"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! I need to diagnose you!"

"Ah! Yachiru-fukotaichou! Please stop jumping on him! He's in a coma!"

"That's okay! Ken-chan sleeps this deep all the time! I know what to do!" The jumping turned to slapping, eyelid pulling, and the occasional scream directly into the patient's ear.

'_I should have tied her up like Abarai-fukotaichou said! Why didn't I listen!?'_

"Isane."

"Ah!" Suddenly Unohana was at her side, watching the scene with a soft smile.

"What is Kusajishi doing?"

"Well…Taichou, we were…" the gears in Isane's head were churning overtime, "…we were playing Doctor…." Once she said that she suddenly felt the need to kick herself.

"I see." The soft smile never faded, and Isane could only shiver as the dark eerie aura started to appear around her captain.

_THUD_

"Oops, he fell off the bed! Hahaha!"

"Isane…."

Isane gulped and another shiver ran through her as the said soft smile was directed at her, the dark aura now suffocating half the room.

"Yes, Taichou?"

"You should put her in the care of the 1st Division. They would be wonderful sitters. Don't you agree?"

"Yes ma'am," she answered slowly, cautiously, almost in a trance like state, "I agree completely."

-:-

"Today is a special day for all of you; a day when you shut one door and open a new one unveiling a new world of responsibility and integrity. Your strength will be tested, your sanity will be threatened, but never forget where your pride and honor lay!" With a mighty thrust Yamamoto's staff cracked against the wooden floor. Wise old eyes scanned the room of graduates.

Each time was the same as the last; He would step to a podium in front of a class of new officers, emotions of all kinds running through the youngsters faces, and perform a mighty speech to encourage and inspire that would end in an eruption of applauds and hollers.

Only, there was something off about this class.

No applauds, only open mouths, all eyes swaying back and forth, fingers pointing and some girls giggling.

Confused, Yamamoto turned to glance at his vice captain who, just like the graduates, bore the same expression on his face.

"Saskibe, what is the meaning of this? Is there something amusing about my speech?"

"No, Taichou. But…"

Another crack of his staff. "Out with it, man!"

"Sir…there's a child swinging on your beard."

The head captain glanced down, eyes soon swaying back and forth.

"So there is."

"Hahaha! It's like an old rope!"

Hushed laughter echoed in the room and immediately silenced when Yamamoto snapped his attention back to the crowd.

"You all find this amusing? I'll tell you what _I_ find amusing; 40 laps around the Seireitei! You may be graduates, but you're all still young brats! Now go!"

With a harmony of "aww"s and grumbling the class shuffled out the door to their punishment.

"Swingy! Swingy! Can I tie a tire on the end of your beard, Gramps? Can I?"

"Heavens no, little one! It would be a nuisance and overall a bad fashion sense. Saskibe!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Take Kusajishi-fukotaichou to Zaraki-taichou at once!"

"Nuh-uh! Ken-chan's away beatin' stuff up with Baldy and Feathers!"

"Hmm…" Yamamoto would have stroked his beard in thought had Yachiru not been swinging on it.

There was only one man he could think of that was excellent with children and just the right person for drastic situations like these.

-:-

"Finally! All the paperwork for this week is done!" Ukitake sighed pleasurably, stretching his arms over his head and leaning back in his seat. The day was still early and the 13th Division captain smiled to himself at all the possibilities of the day's duty-less schedule due to his current bout of exceptional health.

"_Taichou!"_

"_Taichou!"_

"_Out of the way, brat!"_

"_Shove it, you overgrown freak!"_

"_Mind your own business, Booger Girl!"_

Ukitake's smile soon morphed into a grimace as the shouts and stomps were headed his way. Automatically the white haired captain buried his hands in his hair and cradled the headache he knew was soon to erupt.

'_3…2…'_

The door slip open with enough force to take the entire wall down as his two 3rd seats shoved and elbowed their way into his office. Kiyone won with a swift kick to Sentarou's shin.

"Taichou! I need your help! Something has—" a foot on her back sent her face first into the ground.

"_I _need Taichou's help, not you, Bridge Troll! Taichou! I need you to come with me! It concerns KusaAAAH SHE'S BITING ME!"

"Enough! Both of you just STOP." Ukitake waited for Kiyone to let go of Sentarou's foot and Sentarou to stop hopping around in pain.

Giving one last rub at his aching cranium Ukitake started calmly, "Calm down and tell me what it is wrong so we can solve this in a peaceful manner, okay?"

His 3rd seats exchanged worried glances before Kiyone mumbled, "Well…Yachiru-chan wouldn't stop fussing so we went to get some candy for her…"

Sentarou continued, "…and at first we thought we found some, but when we finally realized it wasn't it was too late."

Ukitake blinked. "Too late?"

A moment of hesitation and they both said in unison, "She drank your supply of cough medicine, sir."

"Oh, well at least no one got hurt…"

A pause.

"…she WHAT?"

Without skipping a beat Sentarou pointed at Kiyone. "It was all her fault, Taichou! She knew all along it wasn't candy and she tricked—"

"Excuse me?! _You _were the one who opened the cabinet, _Stupid!_"

Ukitake was seconds away from pulling out his white locks. "You both _drugged _up a child?! What is the matter with you two?!"

"You're right, Taichou!" Kiyone flung herself on his desk. "I was selfish and didn't think of the repercussions! Punish me!"

"Ooooh no! You're not getting the attention for this!" Sentarou ripped open his uniform revealing his bare chest. "Punch me, Taichou! Punch me! I deserve it! I deserve your wrath!"

"Let's all just calm down and think about this." Ukitake paced his breathing as he felt his _exceptional _health began to decline. "Where is she now?"

"We told Rukia-chan and Kurosaki-san to watch her while we informed you."

-:-meanwhile…-:-

"I want more candy~!" whined the hiccupping child as she rolled around the 13th Division lobby.

"My superiors are morons." Rukia grumbled.

"You said it." Ichigo replied. "Honestly, why does Ukitake-san keep them around anyway?"

"For a good laugh, I think. Or maybe he feels sorry for them. I'm not sure."

"Huh," Ichigo scratched his head, not knowing what to make of a drunken Yachiru rolling all over the floor making animal noises and begging for candy in-between hiccups.

"Where's Kenpachi-san?"

Rukia put a finger to her chin in thought. "I think he's out in Rukongai somewhere. Renji said he won't be back until later. _He_ was supposed to be watching her, but when I walked in my own division I saw The Tweedles freaking out on each other about _this._" Her glance went back to the scene before them.

A moment of silence went by as they watched over the inebriated fukotaichou.

Ichigo snorted, "Has there ever been a day where something weird _isn't_ happening in Soul Society?"

Rukia sighed, "…No."

-:-

"Well, this is _quite_ the predicament you have, Ukitake-taichou" Nanao reset her glasses up the bridge of her nose. Ukitake sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry to burden you with this, Ise-kun, but I had no one else to turn to. I went to the 4th Division for help but they took one look at her and slammed the door on me."

"Hn…that's odd."

"I was more in need of Kyouraku's advice, but I should've expected that he's currently on the same wavelength with little Yachiru-kun."

Ukitake and Nanao glanced back at the sight of Kyouraku and Yachiru sprawled out on the floor giggling and hiccupping to each other like drunken teenage girls.

"Hey…_hic…_Shun-Shun!" Yachiru giggled, from here…_hic_…Ukki looks like a girl!"

"Heh, yeah yer right." He chuckled. "Hey Juu-chan! Since when'd you get so pretty?"

"Taichou! Act your age!" Nanao scolded.

"B-But Nanao-chan! I don'wanna!"

"Tell'em Shun-Shun!"

Ukitake sighed, "Don't encourage him, Yachiru-kun."

"I'm jus'playin, _Beautiful.'_

"Kyouraku! Not another word out of you or I'll come over there!"

"D'aww, Juu-chan, why you gotta be so mean!"

"Ukki's a meany head! Meany head!"

"And you too! Don't think because you're inebriated, little one, that I won't hesitate to put you in time-out!"

Both drunkees quieted down, resorting more to the silent harassment of sticking their tongues out at them until thrown in a fit of giggles.

"I apologize, Ukitake-taichou," Nanao said, "I've never personally tried to sober Kyouraku-taichou. He usually passes out before I get the chance."

"Ah, I see. Well thank you for your time and patience, Ise-kun." Ukitake attempted a smile, but it failed and he dropped his head in his hands and groaned. _'Zaraki's not going to be happy about this….'_

Suddenly Nanao's eyes widened and a malicious smile spread her face as the tint of her glasses darkened with an evil plot. Seeing this, Ukitake gulped.

"Ise-kun…?"

"Don't worry, Ukitake-taichou. I know someone who can _definitely_ help us."

'_Finally, payback for last time!' _Nanao was about to throw herself into a maniacal cackle session when the sound of a pained moan cut through the air.

"Uuugh, hey you guys need'ta stop spinnin round' so much, yer makin me sick." Kyouraku stood up, or more of attempted until he reached a stumbling unbalanced posture.

Nanao paled and Ukitake yelped. "No! No! No! Don't—!"

Too late.

"Ewww! Shun-Shun messed on the floor! Ugh, oh I don't feel so good…."

"NO!"

-:-

"Thanks to Rangiku's Remedy, you'll be all better! I really should have patented this!"

"Matsumoto," Hitsugaya sighed, "coffee and pretzels?"

"I know, right? Aren't I a genius?"

"Well, technically I—"

"Aww thanks Taichou! You can be so sweet sometimes!"

"Ugh." Hitsugaya was about to return to his paperwork when he noticed a certain pink haired vice captain currently finishing his work with colorful pictures of her and her Ken-chan beating up ninjas.

His brow twitched. "How long are you both going to loiter in my office?"

"Just until Yachiru-chan sobers up, then we're going shopping! I saw the _cutest _little bow at this little knickknack shop across from—"

"Uh-huh, and is this before or after you finish your paperwork?"

"Don't worry, Taichou! I finished my paperwork! Wanna see?" Before he could _guffaw_ or _psh_ Matsumoto handed him a stack of neatly arranged paper, complete from first page to last of scribbled colored drawings of both him, Matsumoto, and Yachiru skipping through a field of flowers and bodies colored in black, white, and red.

Hitsugaya shuddered. '_There's something seriously wrong with this kid.' _ He glared up at his busty vice-captain. "_Really?"_

"Yep!"

"You do know you're only making yourself look bad, Matsumoto."

"Taichou! I take back what I said about you being sweet!"

"Whitey-chan's just mad cuz Momo likes older men!"

The small captain gasped indignantly, a feint blush creeping on his cheeks. "Th-That's enough out of you!" He whirled on Matsumoto. "You! Her! Out!"

"But, Taichou…"

"It's true! I heard Boobies and Momo talk about how hairy older men are way better lookin than pretty young boys! Idn't that what you said, Boobies?"

"Uuh, Yachiru-chan, please be quiet…"

"ARGH! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

-:-

"Kusajishi-fukotaichou," Komamura's baritone voice echoed through the woods, "I am above disciplining a child not my own, but I will see to it if you're actions do not—"

"But it's fun!"

"Please do not interrupt me—"

"You like it too! Don't lie, Doggie-chan!"

"The fact that I would indeed enjoy having that ball is irrelevant to what I'm saying—"

"Go get it, Doggie-Taichou!" And for the 3rd time that moment Komamura was gone. Hisagi sighed and rubbed his temples sorely. _'Why didn't I learn from the first time?'_

"Yachiru-fukotaichou, that's not such a good idea."

"Aww but why, Tattoo Face?"

"Well…I don't think Taichou enjoys being treated…eh…as such."

"But he's having so much fun! See?" both turned to the exasperated Captain as he finally made his way up the hill and loomed over Yachiru, jutting his arm out to hand her the ball.

"Kusajishi-fukotaichou," His voice boomed angrily in between tired huffs, "do _not_ throw this desirable object again! It is a grand memorable and—"

Yachiru threw the ball again.

"Komamura-taichou," Hisagi attempted to distract his Captain-friend, "allow me to go get the ball this time." And he almost squealed at the ravenous glare he received.

"You will not! This is my ball!" And in a flash he was gone, a howl being heard in the distance.

'_Curse those manipulative bosoms of yours, Rangiku-san! I should have seen this coming!'_

Hisagi had to do something soon, or someone might get hurt, and that someone was most likely Komamura-taichou. Acting on the first thought that came to mind he slipped away from the scene to grab his bait and set his trap.

Only a few moments later Hisagi snuck back to see Yachiru _still_ throwing the ball for an exhausted, furious, and teeth barred Captain to shunpo after it.

It was time to act!

"Oh my! What is this I have found on the ground?" Hisagi yelled, feigning innocence in his voice to catch the small girl's attention. "It looks like a trail of candy?"

If Yachiru's head had whipped around any faster Hisagi would have feared her neck would have snapped.

"But what does this trail lead to? More candy perhaps? Oh I wish I knew—YIKES!" She was suddenly at his side, drool slipping out of her mouth and eyes wide in childish wonder.

"Whatcha got here, Tattoo Face? Can I play?"

"Why of course you can, Yachiru-fukotaichou!" Hisagi never knew he could be this good at acting. "I think you should follow the candy and see where it leads."

And she did just that. Picking up one candy she nommed it humbly, then walking up to the next one and repeated, and then the next one. Hisagi waited impatiently. One by one Yachiru plucked the candy off the ground and was so caught up in the delicious game she didn't realize that the last piece of candy tied to a stick might have been a trigger.

The box fell right onto Yachiru, and Hisagi flung to the box and quickly closed it. Success!

Hisagi raced past one Komamura-taichou passed out in the grass and to Soul Society, running like a madman through the streets.

-:-

"Omeada." Sui Feng growled at her vice captain as she stormed up the hill to the training grounds of Squad 2. "Why are you just standing there? You were supposed to meet me in the office thirty minutes ago."

"Oh, ah, sorry about that, Taichou."

The petite captain's brow twitched. "_Well? _What were you doing instead?"

"I got a package." He answered simply as he continued to stuff his face with a handful of cookies.

"Excuse me?"

"A package. You know, like the ones that are delivered to your door? Yeah, I got one of those."

Letting out a frustrated sigh Sui Feng clenched her fists. "The fact that you let mail distract you from your duties is…" she reached the top of the hill and froze, eyes widening at the borderline carnage of her training grounds.

"What…what is going on?! What the hell is that brat doing!?" Sharp eyes turned on her portly vice captain.

Omeada shoved another cookie in his mouth and grumbled, "That's what I've been trying to tell you, Taichou. The package I got? Turned out to be Kusajishi-fukotaichou." A sharp scream cut through their conversation, and both attentions turned to see yet another one of the many ninjas in Sui Fengs task force thrown a good half a mile.

There was a moment of shocked pause as Sui Feng watched as the pink haired girl wreaked havoc on her men, throwing them every which way, jumping on their heads and biting limbs.

Omeada belched before openly pondering, "I had a feeling I shouldn't have opened the box. The note saying not to and the breathing holes poked into it really shoulda' got my attention. Funny how these things just slip your mind, eh, Taichou?" By the time he glanced at his captain she was gone, walking eerily slow and stiff.

"You have thirty seconds to get rid of her."

"B-But Taichou I don't wanna go in there!" He glanced back with a terrified expression.

"Twenty five!"

"AH! Yes ma'am!"

-:-

"Now extracting the brain. Akon, ready the _Ateles geoffroyi's _cerebrum."

"Yes, Taichou."

"Pulse 82, blood pressure at 118 over 74." Hiyosu added.

"Excellent," Mayuri glanced behind him, "Bring me the cerebrum! Today we will make history!"

Rin appeared a few moments later, carrying a tray of utensils and in the middle was a smaller tray with a small brain. This was one of the most important parts of surgery, Rin thought, Mayuri was counting on him to deliver the brain and he wasn't about to let him and all of Squad 12 down! Yes! This was his time to shine! With profession in his step he made his way cautiously to the group of scientists.

Rin's large chance at fame within his squad was shattered when he failed to notice small hands climbing up his back and a presence looming over his shoulder.

"YO, RiRi-chan! Whatcha doin?!"

The small scientist yelped in surprise, arms shooting up on instinct. All eyes in the room watched the tray as it floated in the air the brain leaving the tray and all the utensils flying in every direction. There was a loud clang, followed by a squishy slap as the brain hit the tile floor.

Complete silence.

Yachiru blinked, confused.

Rin gulped and trembled.

Mayuri exploded. Ripping off his surgical mask the lunatic captain threw it on the ground and stomped on it, letting out a scream of rage. All the other scientists cleared way across the room.

"_You!_ Manifest of inbred existence!" He started on Rin and before the small officer scientist could break a panicked sweat they both heard the squeal of childish laughter.

"Oooh! Mayurin looks so angry!"

Crazy yellow eyes turned on the small girl and Rin contemplated his possible escape.

"Pink haired cretin!" He seethed; wiggling his long white fingers in a way which meant only more psychotic evil was to come.

"Whatcha doin, Mayurin? Tea Party?"

"No! Something much _much_ more advantageous as a pitiful gathering over boiling flavored water! Something the likes of which you will never understand, you little ape!"

"We are switching the brains of a human and a Spider Monkey." Nemu added, earning a searing glare from her father.

"Cooool! Can I watch! Hey…is that Maki-Maki?"

Mayuri glanced at the patient on the table, and then stepped in front of Yachiru's view. "No! Why would I use a specimen from you're squad? You're all already apes!"

"Okay, but if that _is_ Maki-Maki, just bring'em back in one piece, kay? He buys me coloring pencils!" She then jumped off Rin's back and landed next to the small monkey brain.

"Eww! Is that it? It looks like gum!" She was about to poke it when Mayuri let out a squeal. "Quickly! Save the cerebrum!"

Noticing Akon and Hiyosu moving to pounce she jumped high above them, using Akon's face as a catapult and doing a one-handstand to flip over Hiyosu's large bald head. A few more operatives advanced on her and she only giggled and jumped around them. Akon turned as a pink blur whizzed past him and he was only inches from catching her when his foot pressed into something squishy only to have his foot slip out from under him as he tumbled into Hiyosu.

"Hahahaha! Mayurin always has the best games!" Yachiru squealed in delight. Mayuri's spiritual pressure flared upon seeing his precious monkey brain smeared all over the floor, his lab a mess of tangled officers. He was sure a few blood vessels had popped from within his mask.

"NEMU!"

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

"This is ALL your fault! Take that…that THING and put it in deepest darkest crevices of this world!"

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

"And someone get me another monkey brain!"

-:-

It had taken hours for Byakuya to peel off every single bit of candy from his uniform and his hair and as he strode back to his office to finish his divisions paperwork he couldn't ignore the boisterous commotion coming from behind his office doors.

"How are you even getting this much candy!? Ah! Stop!"

"But, Baboon-chan I'm almost done! Idn't it pretty?"

"Yachiru-fukotaichou, _please_, I don't want to die!"

Byakuya almost ripped his door off opening it and upon entering was welcomed with a colorful array of sweets stuck to his office. _Everywhere._ The walls, his desk, his seat, his furniture, his red headed vice captain, his plants, the windows, his paperwork, the ceiling?

One loose piece of green tea sucker slicked off the ceiling and landed in his hair. His spiritual pressure flared. Renji flinched.

"Taichou…"

"Byakushi! I made you a candy room!"

His charcoal eyes closed, and he took a deep steady breath.

"_Renji…._"

"I…I swear, Taichou, I came in to drop off paperwork and saw _this!_ I'm just as shocked as you are!" Renji fumbled with the gumballs in his hair.

Yachiru hopped onto Byakuya's shoulder, slapping a lollipop onto one side of his face as she squealed, "next I'm gonna make Byakushi a candy wife!"

Slowly the aristocratic captain laid his hand on his zanpakuto. Renji squeaked.

"_Renji…."_

And at that moment did the wall behind him explode debris of rice paper, wood, and candy everywhere. In the midst of all the debris stood a tall spiky figure.

"Ken-chan!" Yachiru hopped off of Byakuya and onto her adoptive father's shoulder.

Byakuya twitched, the hand on his sword tightening.

"Z-Zaraki-taichou!" Renji stuttered.

Once the air was clear Kenpachi blinked at the scene before him, only to bare his sharp canines in a humorous grin.

"Oi, Princess, looks like 'Chiru's rubbin off on ya. I should make you a personal nanny."

'_It's not worth the Captains Meeting, it's NOT worth the Captains Meeting…' _ Oh did Byakuya try his hardest not to unleash his shikai.

"C'mon Yachiru, I got boar at home. Let's go." And with a jingling of bells and childish squeals of joy they were gone, leaving a very pissed off captain and a very upset and candy coated vice captain.

"T-Taichou…?"

"Senbonzakura!"

* * *

_**End**_

* * *

**A/N: Oh my, that took a while to write. I feel a headache coming on :) I hope you all enjoyed. Comments of all kinds are welcome, and I apologize if someone's favorite character was not listed. This was long enough as it was T.T**

_**-Joker and the Thief**_


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